2018 and still lost

It's 2018. Whut? I have been on the longest hiatus ever, yep I basically disappeared here. To give a quick update, i'm in uni now! RMIT (SIM), studying Business Management with HR as my minor. To be honest, I don't really know if this is the right course for me. I mean I think it suits me better than tourism because i'm rather introverted and I don't take the initiative to talk to people first unless i'm in a situation where it's necessary. Hence, the change of my major.

Last year I was really struggling after poly. I was lost. I didn't know what I should do. I was that desperate that I went to seek help from SP's career guidance counsellor. I was interested in taking a social science major - namely Sociology or Psychology because I wanted to do counselling in a primary school. I talked to Jessene's friend, Luke, who is a counsellor dealing with troubled youths. He shared with me insights about his job, the pros and cons of it. He told me that introverts/people who aren't really outspoken are actually good doing that job because they are good listeners! You would want someone who can create a safe space for you to be comfortable enough to speak about your troubles instead of someone who keeps talking when you're going for a counselling session right? So I was assured that counselling was suitable for my personality. But other than that, he told me that the downside of the job is the emotional toll because children could be going through some very serious stuff like rape and abuse. And my parents were super adamant about not allowing me to pursue psychology/sociology/counselling because they "know" me and they think that i'm overly emotional, I wouldn't know how to detach my feelings from work, and basically, I wouldn't be able to cope with this aspect of the job. My mum even said that she wouldn't even pay for my course fees if I chose a social science degree, which was not what she promised because she said she would pay half of it and obviously these tens of thousands of dollars is a huge sum of money because I'd take so long to repay them. Looking back, I think I was pressurised partly by the financial aspect. As a 20 year old teenager, the thought of having a 30-40+k debt that I had to pay myself terrified me. I felt like I was alone and just thrown into the ocean without a life vest... I was left to figure it out on my own because I felt like this door was swung shut... I was also really upset that this had caused a rift between my mum and I. We had like 1-2 days of silent treatment and a dramatic episode of me crying and wanting to go home outside Burger King because my mum said something insensitive. I think I felt really constrained too? I felt like I needed to get a degree there and then period. I was desperate to start university ASAP because I didn't want to waste any time. I didn't think that I could take up internships and perhaps discover my interest along the way.

In fact when I got into university 6 months back, I felt more at peace than now. I thought that yes, obedience to parents reaps spiritual blessings and rewards. But the more I think about it, is Management or HR where I really want to go? If I had given myself more time, would I have persevered and fought for what I really have wanted? Why did I put so much pressure on myself for wanting to get a degree? If I hadn't asked Luke about the pros and cons of the job, he would have never told me about the emotional toll aspect of counselling and my mum would have allowed me to go for it.

Am I back to square one again Lord? Why? Why why why? Why can't I be someone who knows clearly what I want to do..... I know I have one life and I don't want to waste it doing something i'm lukewarm about. I want to do something that I genuinely enjoy and am passionate about but still be realistic enough for me to get a stable pay cheque out of it. Why is life so difficult.

This would be the perfect time for you to tell me to read Jeremiah 29:11 but how would you know if this is part of God's plans? How would you know if you're so unsure, so uncertain yourself if this is indeed God's calling for you?