Exam anxiety

Hello, it's been ages since i've last updated. Somehow I get more reflective and emotional during night time, which i'm guessing is the same for everyone? Felt like I haven't been working hard enough for the past few weeks since my final semester has started. Have been half-hearted in researching content for my assignment and extremely distracted. :-( This isn't good. I don't like leaving things to the last minute though I do sometimes when i'm a sloth and procrastinate. My assignments are due in the next 1-3 weeks' time and I never want another episode of anxiety to reoccur...

To fill you in, I was extremely nervous and anxious when I was studying for my papers last sem. I had 4 papers in total. I honestly did prepare all the notes on time, and had close to sufficient time to study. I screwed up my second paper actually because I was muddle-headed and forgot to cancel this one paragraph of answer I had written for an essay question, and wrote 2 pages long of answers for the next 2 questions. I was super upset after remembering that I had forgotten to cancel I cried because I was so worried that the marker would just take the first 2 answers (according to exam protocol) I had written and not mark the last one, and that section was worth 60% of the exam marks. I knew that I screwed up the first section too cos I didn't study finish and basically wrote whatever I could think of. So I emailed my course coordinator with my sister's help, in hopes that he would be kind enough to mark the answers that I had intended to submit. He told me that he would consider the issue when marking my paper, so it wasn't a definite yes but at least it wasn't a no. So I guess that was a huge blow for me. I got a credit for that module, which wasn't too bad. I was honestly expecting to fail or to just pass, and I wasn't even sure if the marker had actually marked those answers... But I thank God for His provision despite my GPA dropping :-(

As many flats in the BTO i'm currently living in had renovation going on, it was so noisy with all the drilling and hacking I couldn't concentrate at all. So I had to resort to go back to my old house everyday with literally nothing in the house, not even a fridge or bed to take a nap, only a table, a chair and a fan lol. It was... quiet but I think when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're just so focused on your work for a prolonged period of time, you'll get burned out? At least for me I did. Anxiety got the better of me, and I was just overthinking on an issue and wah it was terrible..... It was the day before my 3rd paper, Contemporary Management, I felt like I couldn't control my thoughts, and had physical symptoms of anxiety. My heart began palpitating uncomfortably faster and I had this cold sensation on my chest that nothing could get rid of. It felt like a cold minty feeling, like you know when you apply yoko yoko on your back when it's aching? Yup, that except it was an involuntary feeling!!! I also felt my chest tightened. I was so scared and worried I was gonna fail my CM paper because I couldn't focus that I called Wei Ling. She was at Encounter with Hui Yin and was so nice to offer to come down to my place to accompany me but how could I accept that offer right? So I didn't, though part of me really needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay. She asked me to do some breathing exercises and prayed for me. She even called me during midnight to worship together. :'-)

Wah that day was just crazy... I felt like I had no control over how my body was reacting to the stress. I even thought of seeing the doctor and taking MC so I could skip the paper the next day. That's how bad it was. Thank God for my sister too because she kept praying for me and helped me feel slightly more relaxed.. But yea it was torturous to tell you the truth :-( and I really never want to experience that amount of panic, anxiety, stress and lack of control again. 

Oh the next day my heart was still palpitating uncomfortably, but the cold sensation was gone, thankfully. Amanda from SIM called me to pray for me and it was just unexpected, but I really appreciated her prayer so much. Thank God for Wei Ling, my cell, my sister's cell, the SIM cell and my sis for all of their concern and prayers. :-) It helped me regain control of my thoughts but not my body lol. It taught me to surrender to God during that whole process despite having no control at all. I stepped into the exam hall still pretty much nervous, and the heart palpitation didn't even end after my exam was over. Think it only went away like 1-2 days later. I managed to get 75 for that module, which was a distinction!!! Which meant I got 35/50 for that paper, so all glory goes to God! :-)

Sometimes (occasionally) when I feel anxious feel like my heart does skip a beat? I don't know if it's anything I should worry about. Ok, enough for my lengthy post on my exam anxiety haha but thank God I only have 2 exams this sem. I pray that it'd all go fine and that these symptoms will never return again. Goodnight!!! Back to hustling for HR!!

My dream occupation

I've been updating really frequently, maybe too often. That's the result of not having any social media to keep me entertained when I avoid doing work. So yesterday I was not spending my time wisely and I was caught up with trying to record a proper cover of Don't Mind by Kent Jones and Officially Missing You by Tamia (Jayesslee's classic hit!!!) that I made insignificant progress on my assignment which is due tomorrow at 7pm!!!! Technically it's today because it's already 12:43AM yet what surprises me most is that I don't feel stressed that I'm not even halfway done with it. Can I just ask what kinda sorcery is this? Because in very usual circumstances, I would be freaking out and be super stressed and anxious. I think i've been putting a lot of pressure on myself in university sometimes that I forget to take a breather. Esp when assignment datelines are looming or during exam periods. I dread studying for exams man. I get all panicky particularly on the day that i'm taking the paper that my stomach actually gets twisted, and my heart beats really fast......... Is that normal? Like exam anxiety?

So yep, I think I should continue hustling...... I feel slightly tired already and i've already drank 2 cups of iced coffee today. Not good, Sheryl..... Too much sugar....

Actually the assignment that i've been working on is about my dream occupation and how automation, globalisation, technology etc will impact the nature of work and future job prospects. It really made me think is HR really what I want to do after graduation? Or maybe for my entire lifetime? The answer was a clear no..... It really made me reflect on what i'm passionate about and as I read more on counselling in journal articles and a textbook, I realised that I think it's something that i'll enjoy doing. I mean i've already discovered my interest in counselling early this year after poly but I put it off because of my parents as i've mentioned. Now that i'm seriously considering it, I feel unhappy. Esp after watching Phil and Wes' commencement speeches in their universities that they have attended. I feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time doing something that i'll semi-enjoy and live passively. They reminded me that it's okay not to be sure what you're doing. How could you really be certain right?

"If you are unhappy in your heart, nothing else matters." 
"Explore with vigour and zeal and I assure you that when you reach the end of your 20s, your life will be better because you did so."

I'm just gonna leave my post here. :-) Honestly life keeps taking a turn when I thought i'm heading in the seemingly right direction.. But I guess nothing worth doing is ever easy.

Quitting social media?

I've got to admit that i'm pretty much addicted to the use of social media, particularly Instagram, Youtube and Facebook. I'll incessantly use it so much so that it's excessive and unhealthy. Lately, i've been asking myself what's the use of mindlessly going through people's Instagram stories and posts? I frequently have this anticipation whenever I publish an IG story/post like who has seen and liked them? It's quite toxic I must say, or that I allow myself to fall into this trap of a virtual black hole - spending an inconsiderable amount of time daily consuming irrelevant information and trivial crap. I get so distracted easily while doing my work, my attention span is practically close to none. I lose my concentration and it really disrupts productivity. I also tend to unconsciously compare myself to others despite knowing that those tiny pixels just reflect highly curated versions of our friends' and acquittances' lives. Surely, we only portray an ideal and unrealistic image of who we want ourselves to be seen as right? It's not authentic, it isn't a true representation of who we are. Yet, I can't help but compare my daily hustle with their highlight reels.

I thought enough is enough. I've control of my own life and if social media detox is what I need, then yes, i'll do it. So i've deactivated my Instagram account and erased the Instagram and Facebook apps off my phone today, in hopes that i'll not be so fixated on social media and the lives of others, but to focus on my own. Maybe when I stop looking down and start looking up, i'll no longer miss out on what truly matters to me - the real relationships and connections that I have. Also, to truly get the full experience instead of being overly concerned about having it documented down e.g. on instagram. Honestly, no one really cares about what you post online. 

I remember going to Taylor Swift's 1989 concert and almost the whole concert I was putting my arms out trying to record a good video of her songs and acts...... To the point that I wasn't truly living out the experience. Why pay over $300 for a cat A seat just to record videos when you could just listen to it on Youtube - which has a much better audio quality.

So yes, i'm on a temporary break from Instagram and Facebook until I feel like i'm ready to be back. It's going to be difficult like woah today I didn't realise how much I used to check my social media apps during my commute to and from school until I had them deleted off. It's not easy but I think it's going to be worth it and i'm even going to enjoy the process. 

Overseas exchange

Hello, thought i'd pop by and give an update. Somehow blogging is so much easier than writing a diary entry. Maybe i'm just too lazy. My school has an inter-location programme for students in the last semester, whereby they can go to RMIT in Melbourne, Australia for exchange. I'm interested in it just that i've quite a few concerns. Haven't found friends who can go or want to go and I think that having someone you know is important for security reasons and you know to keep yourself accompanied as well. You know me my sense of direction isn't the best and i've quite a strong need for affiliation haha. Am also worried about the (accommodation) cost. Don't know where or how to look for accommodation that's of reasonable price. My parents are currently paying for the renovation costs and this overseas exchange would be a financial burden to them if I were to go though ultimately i'd be the one paying for this entire exchange.

Other than these 2 concerns, i'd be so happy if I could go - reasons being i've always wanted to go overseas for a significant period of time to study (or just to live there) to gain exposure, to have an eye-opening experience to what living independently feels like, to immerse myself in other countries' cultures, languages, food, to make new friends, to explore!! Sounds so exciting.... But i'd probably get homesick and i've to learn how to cook because Australian food and standard of living are expensive unfortunately.

I feel like I should take this opportunity because really.. chances like this only happen once in a lifetime and if I don't take it now... when will I be able to do this again? Haven't exactly prayed about it yet, but will do so. :-)

On a side note, if I really can't go, i'd probably use my savings (sobs) to travel with 1. Chao Lei 2. Si Rui (we haven't discussed if we are actually going anywhere this year actually heh) and 3. my family (though I won't be paying for this trip haha oops) after finishing school after October. The only break i'll enjoy before finding a job and settling for good. Oh God i'm really adulting......... Oh well, the only thing which comforts me about getting a full-time job is the salary - so that I can finally be financially independent and won't have to rely on my parents for allowance! And of course i'd be giving some allowance (in return) to them to bless them, and I can be more generous with gift-giving and I can buy my own food and everything..... Can't believe i'm actually saying this haha. Really praying that God will provide me with a job that has a good environment, kind colleagues and supervisors, as well as a job scope that I like. Man that's the perfect job but perfect jobs don't exist. So much going on this year. I hope everything works out.

2018 and still lost

It's 2018. Whut? I have been on the longest hiatus ever, yep I basically disappeared here. To give a quick update, i'm in uni now! RMIT (SIM), studying Business Management with HR as my minor. To be honest, I don't really know if this is the right course for me. I mean I think it suits me better than tourism because i'm rather introverted and I don't take the initiative to talk to people first unless i'm in a situation where it's necessary. Hence, the change of my major.

Last year I was really struggling after poly. I was lost. I didn't know what I should do. I was that desperate that I went to seek help from SP's career guidance counsellor. I was interested in taking a social science major - namely Sociology or Psychology because I wanted to do counselling in a primary school. I talked to Jessene's friend, Luke, who is a counsellor dealing with troubled youths. He shared with me insights about his job, the pros and cons of it. He told me that introverts/people who aren't really outspoken are actually good doing that job because they are good listeners! You would want someone who can create a safe space for you to be comfortable enough to speak about your troubles instead of someone who keeps talking when you're going for a counselling session right? So I was assured that counselling was suitable for my personality. But other than that, he told me that the downside of the job is the emotional toll because children could be going through some very serious stuff like rape and abuse. And my parents were super adamant about not allowing me to pursue psychology/sociology/counselling because they "know" me and they think that i'm overly emotional, I wouldn't know how to detach my feelings from work, and basically, I wouldn't be able to cope with this aspect of the job. My mum even said that she wouldn't even pay for my course fees if I chose a social science degree, which was not what she promised because she said she would pay half of it and obviously these tens of thousands of dollars is a huge sum of money because I'd take so long to repay them. Looking back, I think I was pressurised partly by the financial aspect. As a 20 year old teenager, the thought of having a 30-40+k debt that I had to pay myself terrified me. I felt like I was alone and just thrown into the ocean without a life vest... I was left to figure it out on my own because I felt like this door was swung shut... I was also really upset that this had caused a rift between my mum and I. We had like 1-2 days of silent treatment and a dramatic episode of me crying and wanting to go home outside Burger King because my mum said something insensitive. I think I felt really constrained too? I felt like I needed to get a degree there and then period. I was desperate to start university ASAP because I didn't want to waste any time. I didn't think that I could take up internships and perhaps discover my interest along the way.

In fact when I got into university 6 months back, I felt more at peace than now. I thought that yes, obedience to parents reaps spiritual blessings and rewards. But the more I think about it, is Management or HR where I really want to go? If I had given myself more time, would I have persevered and fought for what I really have wanted? Why did I put so much pressure on myself for wanting to get a degree? If I hadn't asked Luke about the pros and cons of the job, he would have never told me about the emotional toll aspect of counselling and my mum would have allowed me to go for it.

Am I back to square one again Lord? Why? Why why why? Why can't I be someone who knows clearly what I want to do..... I know I have one life and I don't want to waste it doing something i'm lukewarm about. I want to do something that I genuinely enjoy and am passionate about but still be realistic enough for me to get a stable pay cheque out of it. Why is life so difficult.

This would be the perfect time for you to tell me to read Jeremiah 29:11 but how would you know if this is part of God's plans? How would you know if you're so unsure, so uncertain yourself if this is indeed God's calling for you?