Exam anxiety

Hello, it's been ages since i've last updated. Somehow I get more reflective and emotional during night time, which i'm guessing is the same for everyone? Felt like I haven't been working hard enough for the past few weeks since my final semester has started. Have been half-hearted in researching content for my assignment and extremely distracted. :-( This isn't good. I don't like leaving things to the last minute though I do sometimes when i'm a sloth and procrastinate. My assignments are due in the next 1-3 weeks' time and I never want another episode of anxiety to reoccur...

To fill you in, I was extremely nervous and anxious when I was studying for my papers last sem. I had 4 papers in total. I honestly did prepare all the notes on time, and had close to sufficient time to study. I screwed up my second paper actually because I was muddle-headed and forgot to cancel this one paragraph of answer I had written for an essay question, and wrote 2 pages long of answers for the next 2 questions. I was super upset after remembering that I had forgotten to cancel I cried because I was so worried that the marker would just take the first 2 answers (according to exam protocol) I had written and not mark the last one, and that section was worth 60% of the exam marks. I knew that I screwed up the first section too cos I didn't study finish and basically wrote whatever I could think of. So I emailed my course coordinator with my sister's help, in hopes that he would be kind enough to mark the answers that I had intended to submit. He told me that he would consider the issue when marking my paper, so it wasn't a definite yes but at least it wasn't a no. So I guess that was a huge blow for me. I got a credit for that module, which wasn't too bad. I was honestly expecting to fail or to just pass, and I wasn't even sure if the marker had actually marked those answers... But I thank God for His provision despite my GPA dropping :-(

As many flats in the BTO i'm currently living in had renovation going on, it was so noisy with all the drilling and hacking I couldn't concentrate at all. So I had to resort to go back to my old house everyday with literally nothing in the house, not even a fridge or bed to take a nap, only a table, a chair and a fan lol. It was... quiet but I think when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're just so focused on your work for a prolonged period of time, you'll get burned out? At least for me I did. Anxiety got the better of me, and I was just overthinking on an issue and wah it was terrible..... It was the day before my 3rd paper, Contemporary Management, I felt like I couldn't control my thoughts, and had physical symptoms of anxiety. My heart began palpitating uncomfortably faster and I had this cold sensation on my chest that nothing could get rid of. It felt like a cold minty feeling, like you know when you apply yoko yoko on your back when it's aching? Yup, that except it was an involuntary feeling!!! I also felt my chest tightened. I was so scared and worried I was gonna fail my CM paper because I couldn't focus that I called Wei Ling. She was at Encounter with Hui Yin and was so nice to offer to come down to my place to accompany me but how could I accept that offer right? So I didn't, though part of me really needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay. She asked me to do some breathing exercises and prayed for me. She even called me during midnight to worship together. :'-)

Wah that day was just crazy... I felt like I had no control over how my body was reacting to the stress. I even thought of seeing the doctor and taking MC so I could skip the paper the next day. That's how bad it was. Thank God for my sister too because she kept praying for me and helped me feel slightly more relaxed.. But yea it was torturous to tell you the truth :-( and I really never want to experience that amount of panic, anxiety, stress and lack of control again. 

Oh the next day my heart was still palpitating uncomfortably, but the cold sensation was gone, thankfully. Amanda from SIM called me to pray for me and it was just unexpected, but I really appreciated her prayer so much. Thank God for Wei Ling, my cell, my sister's cell, the SIM cell and my sis for all of their concern and prayers. :-) It helped me regain control of my thoughts but not my body lol. It taught me to surrender to God during that whole process despite having no control at all. I stepped into the exam hall still pretty much nervous, and the heart palpitation didn't even end after my exam was over. Think it only went away like 1-2 days later. I managed to get 75 for that module, which was a distinction!!! Which meant I got 35/50 for that paper, so all glory goes to God! :-)

Sometimes (occasionally) when I feel anxious feel like my heart does skip a beat? I don't know if it's anything I should worry about. Ok, enough for my lengthy post on my exam anxiety haha but thank God I only have 2 exams this sem. I pray that it'd all go fine and that these symptoms will never return again. Goodnight!!! Back to hustling for HR!!

My dream occupation

I've been updating really frequently, maybe too often. That's the result of not having any social media to keep me entertained when I avoid doing work. So yesterday I was not spending my time wisely and I was caught up with trying to record a proper cover of Don't Mind by Kent Jones and Officially Missing You by Tamia (Jayesslee's classic hit!!!) that I made insignificant progress on my assignment which is due tomorrow at 7pm!!!! Technically it's today because it's already 12:43AM yet what surprises me most is that I don't feel stressed that I'm not even halfway done with it. Can I just ask what kinda sorcery is this? Because in very usual circumstances, I would be freaking out and be super stressed and anxious. I think i've been putting a lot of pressure on myself in university sometimes that I forget to take a breather. Esp when assignment datelines are looming or during exam periods. I dread studying for exams man. I get all panicky particularly on the day that i'm taking the paper that my stomach actually gets twisted, and my heart beats really fast......... Is that normal? Like exam anxiety?

So yep, I think I should continue hustling...... I feel slightly tired already and i've already drank 2 cups of iced coffee today. Not good, Sheryl..... Too much sugar....

Actually the assignment that i've been working on is about my dream occupation and how automation, globalisation, technology etc will impact the nature of work and future job prospects. It really made me think is HR really what I want to do after graduation? Or maybe for my entire lifetime? The answer was a clear no..... It really made me reflect on what i'm passionate about and as I read more on counselling in journal articles and a textbook, I realised that I think it's something that i'll enjoy doing. I mean i've already discovered my interest in counselling early this year after poly but I put it off because of my parents as i've mentioned. Now that i'm seriously considering it, I feel unhappy. Esp after watching Phil and Wes' commencement speeches in their universities that they have attended. I feel like I shouldn't be wasting my time doing something that i'll semi-enjoy and live passively. They reminded me that it's okay not to be sure what you're doing. How could you really be certain right?

"If you are unhappy in your heart, nothing else matters." 
"Explore with vigour and zeal and I assure you that when you reach the end of your 20s, your life will be better because you did so."

I'm just gonna leave my post here. :-) Honestly life keeps taking a turn when I thought i'm heading in the seemingly right direction.. But I guess nothing worth doing is ever easy.

Quitting social media?

I've got to admit that i'm pretty much addicted to the use of social media, particularly Instagram, Youtube and Facebook. I'll incessantly use it so much so that it's excessive and unhealthy. Lately, i've been asking myself what's the use of mindlessly going through people's Instagram stories and posts? I frequently have this anticipation whenever I publish an IG story/post like who has seen and liked them? It's quite toxic I must say, or that I allow myself to fall into this trap of a virtual black hole - spending an inconsiderable amount of time daily consuming irrelevant information and trivial crap. I get so distracted easily while doing my work, my attention span is practically close to none. I lose my concentration and it really disrupts productivity. I also tend to unconsciously compare myself to others despite knowing that those tiny pixels just reflect highly curated versions of our friends' and acquittances' lives. Surely, we only portray an ideal and unrealistic image of who we want ourselves to be seen as right? It's not authentic, it isn't a true representation of who we are. Yet, I can't help but compare my daily hustle with their highlight reels.

I thought enough is enough. I've control of my own life and if social media detox is what I need, then yes, i'll do it. So i've deactivated my Instagram account and erased the Instagram and Facebook apps off my phone today, in hopes that i'll not be so fixated on social media and the lives of others, but to focus on my own. Maybe when I stop looking down and start looking up, i'll no longer miss out on what truly matters to me - the real relationships and connections that I have. Also, to truly get the full experience instead of being overly concerned about having it documented down e.g. on instagram. Honestly, no one really cares about what you post online. 

I remember going to Taylor Swift's 1989 concert and almost the whole concert I was putting my arms out trying to record a good video of her songs and acts...... To the point that I wasn't truly living out the experience. Why pay over $300 for a cat A seat just to record videos when you could just listen to it on Youtube - which has a much better audio quality.

So yes, i'm on a temporary break from Instagram and Facebook until I feel like i'm ready to be back. It's going to be difficult like woah today I didn't realise how much I used to check my social media apps during my commute to and from school until I had them deleted off. It's not easy but I think it's going to be worth it and i'm even going to enjoy the process. 

Overseas exchange

Hello, thought i'd pop by and give an update. Somehow blogging is so much easier than writing a diary entry. Maybe i'm just too lazy. My school has an inter-location programme for students in the last semester, whereby they can go to RMIT in Melbourne, Australia for exchange. I'm interested in it just that i've quite a few concerns. Haven't found friends who can go or want to go and I think that having someone you know is important for security reasons and you know to keep yourself accompanied as well. You know me my sense of direction isn't the best and i've quite a strong need for affiliation haha. Am also worried about the (accommodation) cost. Don't know where or how to look for accommodation that's of reasonable price. My parents are currently paying for the renovation costs and this overseas exchange would be a financial burden to them if I were to go though ultimately i'd be the one paying for this entire exchange.

Other than these 2 concerns, i'd be so happy if I could go - reasons being i've always wanted to go overseas for a significant period of time to study (or just to live there) to gain exposure, to have an eye-opening experience to what living independently feels like, to immerse myself in other countries' cultures, languages, food, to make new friends, to explore!! Sounds so exciting.... But i'd probably get homesick and i've to learn how to cook because Australian food and standard of living are expensive unfortunately.

I feel like I should take this opportunity because really.. chances like this only happen once in a lifetime and if I don't take it now... when will I be able to do this again? Haven't exactly prayed about it yet, but will do so. :-)

On a side note, if I really can't go, i'd probably use my savings (sobs) to travel with 1. Chao Lei 2. Si Rui (we haven't discussed if we are actually going anywhere this year actually heh) and 3. my family (though I won't be paying for this trip haha oops) after finishing school after October. The only break i'll enjoy before finding a job and settling for good. Oh God i'm really adulting......... Oh well, the only thing which comforts me about getting a full-time job is the salary - so that I can finally be financially independent and won't have to rely on my parents for allowance! And of course i'd be giving some allowance (in return) to them to bless them, and I can be more generous with gift-giving and I can buy my own food and everything..... Can't believe i'm actually saying this haha. Really praying that God will provide me with a job that has a good environment, kind colleagues and supervisors, as well as a job scope that I like. Man that's the perfect job but perfect jobs don't exist. So much going on this year. I hope everything works out.

2018 and still lost

It's 2018. Whut? I have been on the longest hiatus ever, yep I basically disappeared here. To give a quick update, i'm in uni now! RMIT (SIM), studying Business Management with HR as my minor. To be honest, I don't really know if this is the right course for me. I mean I think it suits me better than tourism because i'm rather introverted and I don't take the initiative to talk to people first unless i'm in a situation where it's necessary. Hence, the change of my major.

Last year I was really struggling after poly. I was lost. I didn't know what I should do. I was that desperate that I went to seek help from SP's career guidance counsellor. I was interested in taking a social science major - namely Sociology or Psychology because I wanted to do counselling in a primary school. I talked to Jessene's friend, Luke, who is a counsellor dealing with troubled youths. He shared with me insights about his job, the pros and cons of it. He told me that introverts/people who aren't really outspoken are actually good doing that job because they are good listeners! You would want someone who can create a safe space for you to be comfortable enough to speak about your troubles instead of someone who keeps talking when you're going for a counselling session right? So I was assured that counselling was suitable for my personality. But other than that, he told me that the downside of the job is the emotional toll because children could be going through some very serious stuff like rape and abuse. And my parents were super adamant about not allowing me to pursue psychology/sociology/counselling because they "know" me and they think that i'm overly emotional, I wouldn't know how to detach my feelings from work, and basically, I wouldn't be able to cope with this aspect of the job. My mum even said that she wouldn't even pay for my course fees if I chose a social science degree, which was not what she promised because she said she would pay half of it and obviously these tens of thousands of dollars is a huge sum of money because I'd take so long to repay them. Looking back, I think I was pressurised partly by the financial aspect. As a 20 year old teenager, the thought of having a 30-40+k debt that I had to pay myself terrified me. I felt like I was alone and just thrown into the ocean without a life vest... I was left to figure it out on my own because I felt like this door was swung shut... I was also really upset that this had caused a rift between my mum and I. We had like 1-2 days of silent treatment and a dramatic episode of me crying and wanting to go home outside Burger King because my mum said something insensitive. I think I felt really constrained too? I felt like I needed to get a degree there and then period. I was desperate to start university ASAP because I didn't want to waste any time. I didn't think that I could take up internships and perhaps discover my interest along the way.

In fact when I got into university 6 months back, I felt more at peace than now. I thought that yes, obedience to parents reaps spiritual blessings and rewards. But the more I think about it, is Management or HR where I really want to go? If I had given myself more time, would I have persevered and fought for what I really have wanted? Why did I put so much pressure on myself for wanting to get a degree? If I hadn't asked Luke about the pros and cons of the job, he would have never told me about the emotional toll aspect of counselling and my mum would have allowed me to go for it.

Am I back to square one again Lord? Why? Why why why? Why can't I be someone who knows clearly what I want to do..... I know I have one life and I don't want to waste it doing something i'm lukewarm about. I want to do something that I genuinely enjoy and am passionate about but still be realistic enough for me to get a stable pay cheque out of it. Why is life so difficult.

This would be the perfect time for you to tell me to read Jeremiah 29:11 but how would you know if this is part of God's plans? How would you know if you're so unsure, so uncertain yourself if this is indeed God's calling for you?

Crossroad 2.0

It seems like it was just months ago that I made a blog post about being at a crossroad but that was already 3 years back. Looking back, it seemed like I came to a conclusion that I made the wrong decision choosing this course because I wasn't sure of what to pick as no course really piqued an interest in me. And the overseas internship in Finland and Orlando Disneyland made me think that it was a fun course but nope, children you shouldn't be bought into that. In the end, none of those overseas internship even happened because of some VISA restrictions. Don't spontaneously make a decision because something looks fun/exciting. Think long-term!!!

If I knew it would lead to picking a university course that requires me to invest 20-30+K (or even more) and a huge factor that would shape what my future career would be like, maybe I should have gone to JC where I would have studied history or literature because those were the subjects that I truly enjoyed studying and learning in secondary school. They weren't a bore like science (oops). But at that point of time, JC was daunting to me. I was afraid of failing and retaining if I didn't do well because i've heard of it being really stressful. And what if I didn't get good enough grades to land me into university? An A levels cert isn't as worth as a diploma.

These were the thoughts that surfaced my mind. It was a tough time. And right now, I am going through the same thing again. Just that it's worse. It's worse because I didn't do well in poly, so I might not be able to get into a university which means i'll have to get a full-time job for maybe a year and try applying part-time at SIM the next year.

I don't know why i'm sharing so much online but I feel like I needed to let it out somewhere and it's a monumental moment that i've to remember regardless of what happens next.

Lord, please help me through this crucial period. I know You have the best plans for me but I feel so discouraged and stressed, I don't know if the courses i'm picking are right. Help me to trust in You and give thanks no matter what the future holds. Please help me get into a university and may my application be successful. Amen.

xx,

Sheryl

Internship

Poly education has unofficially ended 3 months ago, currently occupied with my internship at Ritz Carlton at In Room Dining department - more so of Amenity! This job really forces me to interact with the guests even if it's just following the necessary 3 steps of service but it comes more naturally now that I'm used to doing it!

Perks of this job
1. You get to meet some friendly colleagues or people from other departments from a diverse range of nationalities, namely Korea, China, Hong Kong, France and Malaysia etc.

2. You occasionally also get some tips! So there was once where I literally came to the room just to remove a trolley and the used plates and cutlery for an Indian guest (and his friends). And he gave me a whopping SGD$50!! - which I didn't think I deserved because what I did was incredibly simple and easy, anyone could have done it. Guess what was my response? I smiled sheepishly and told him "um, thank you but that's a bit too much". I think my brain was too shocked to process what just happened so I came up with such a dumb reply. He then told me to keep it so yeap, I obliged.

If you never knew, Singapore doesn't have a tipping culture unlike the West. It's uncommon but of course it still happens so I was surprised by his act of kindness. Thanks to him, I saved 50 bucks off my next court shoes purchase for work because my previous pair of shoes wasn't appropriate.

3. You get free meals hence you can save up! Though the food provided in the staff canteen isn't particularly great but it's good enough!

Cons of this job - obviously I can't openly discuss this because I can get in trouble but something that we all can agree on would be the work timing. There are 3 shifts because room service operates 24/7. Both morning and afternoon shifts last for 9.5 hours and graveyard is just 9 hours as there isn't any break in between.
Morning shift: 7AM - 4:30PM
Afternoon shift: 2:30PM - 12AM
Graveyard shift: 11PM - 8AM

I had a bit of a difficulty adjusting to the irregular shift timings esp for the graveyard shift. I felt like a bear hibernating when everyone else was awake haha. But my irregular work schedule can also be a benefit too! Going out on a weekday afternoon = emptier shopping malls and lesser crowds but it can also be more difficult to arrange for a meet up with my friends.

I'm speaking as though my internship has ended haha but it has been a good learning opportunity, giving me a taste of what the working world and hotel industry are like. Anyway, i'm left with 3.5 more months, hopefully i'll make the best out of it! :-)

Spiritual dryness

Hi. To anyone reading this, have you ever experienced what it's like to be "spiritually dry"? Feeling very distant from God, losing the motivation to pray, to give thanks, to do daily devotion, to just maintain a relationship with Him? Because that's what i've been feeling for the past year and this seems like it's such a long time.

So what happened was that my mum stopped allowing me to go to church for both service and cell group during school periods. But during the holidays, when i'm allowed to go, I no longer feel motivated or yearn to attend service when it's the basic thing any Christian would do. I feel detached from the cell group because I haven't seen them for such a long time, sometimes even distant from God. And it scares me - how easy it is to come to this stage. It's like a ripple effect, first it just started from something like a parental objection and it turns to this.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of exhausted... I feel like I want to turn this situation around but nothing is happening.

3AM thoughts

3:12AM

Here's a gif of me eating chocolate cake, supposedly my sister's reeeeeaaaaally belated birthday cake since she subtly hinted that she hasn't received any cake this year so being the nice and thoughtful sister, I got this coco exotic from Four Leaves. Tastes really good! Also got her a NDS game MarioKart for her gift. 

When you're awake at an unearthly hour, you find that there's so many things that you can do like you've limitless time in your hands. But when you wake up the next morning, you'll probably regret not sleeping earlier. Probably even get breakouts or be late for school/work. But you know what, it's fine because it's the holidays! What's a sem break tbh when all you do is go back to school for projects. 5 projects. 

I don't know why but I feel all sentimental during nights like this and my mind gets filled with a million thoughts. It's a pretty nice feeling i've to admit. Being alone, staying up, jamming to Coldplay, and basically thinking about everything the world has to offer. Maybe it's my way of escaping. Escaping reality? 

Editing my Japan video now, and I really miss Japan. I miss going overseas, anywhere that's not Singapore. You could call me a turncoat, or some ungrateful brat haha but I really am not. I probably just like other countries' cultures and landscapes more. Is that wrong? God, if you're listening, please give me an opportunity to study overseas or even work or stay overseas for a good amount of time. :-) i'd be so happy. Learning other people's cultures, exploring foreign places, getting lost (ok maybe that's not so attractive), taking loads of pictures and videos, making new friends and falling in love with the city... Sorry for the incoherent thoughts but that's what i've been feeling and a dream of mine ever since I was pretty young.

Will be uploading my Japan photos hopefully soon!!! Promise to get them done by this holiday. Till then! :-)

End of Year 2

Year 2 has officially ended. If you asked whether it was challenging? Yeap. Exhausting? Definitely. Different? Very. But thank God for pulling me through this far. Sem 2 was honestly the most stressful and challenging sem with tons of projects where we had to always pull up all-nighters just to get work done. It also concludes the end of my study dates with Chao Lei at Pies and Coffee - the cafe which we visited at least once a week to do assignments and mug for our exams. Haha didn't really end it on a good note unfortunately because one service staff working there totally judged us when we ordered iced lemon tea and mouthed something to her co-worker. True that we hogged up the seats but the cafe usually has many other seats available so we weren't really posing a problem/affecting the other customers. But thank you P&C for being my study spot for the past semester!

Today I went to Atlas Coffeehouse and splurged my money on the cafe food! Plus i'll still be going to another cafe on Friday with my project group and Whisk and Paddle with Si Rui next Saturday! #gettingbrokeoverfood Their service was great! I like the decoration too, it has this open window concept = good lighting, perfect for taking photos. Brought my Canon DSLR in an attempt of taking more pictures since it's newly bought and I still don't really know how to use the functions properly.

We ordered iced mocha, iced latte, creamy mushroom on sourdough with scrambled eggs, bacon, baked beans and sausages and lastly, shoestring truffle fries! The place was a little squeezy though and it was pretty noisy but I enjoyed myself! 

Will be going to my grandma's 85th birthday celebration on Saturday, will update again! x

Lord, please help me through this.

Lizzie McGuire movie

Decided to reward myself by watching The Lizzie McGuire Movie after the most exhausting two weeks of school ever. Had a tub of strawberry Haagen Dazs (only ate some mouthfuls btw) and it was 1-2+AM and right now 4AM, and I didn't regret rewatching it! Though I probably watched it way too many times when I was younger but whatever the case, it brings back a sense of nostalgia. :'-) one of my favourite films because I like how it took place in Rome, Italy and Lizzie was exploring the city and it has this very nice adventurous feel to it. Wish i was in Lizzie's place and could go on a school trip to explore Rome I mean how lucky is that? Or I just wanna go to Europe and explore, that'd be really nice. Now Rome is on my to-go destinations! 

Can't wait till April is here, looking forward to Tokyo and Osaka! :-) my foxes and deers in Zao Village and Nara Park are waiting for me. Till then! x

Deadbeat

Have never felt more tired before. Don't know how long I can last to be honest. Because my MICE report is due on Wednesday but technically my group and I have to finish it by Tuesday to submit to Mr Ron and stuff. I've never stayed back in school till 10PM in consecutively 3 days. 2 of which I had a bit of gastric pain because we didn't eat much for dinner. One time I totally skipped dinner till I got home and the other I only ate a waffle. Plus i'm having ear infection now for 2 days already and I finally went to Dr Cheong to get some medicine. It really hurts even when I don't talk/swallow. But thank God it's recovering a bit, on and off.

Today I even had to go to school after seeing the doctor and stayed all the way till 7+PM. Literally had a lot to be done and we should have managed our time better and rushed through it in the holidays but we didn't know there is so much to do and we slowly took our time. Ah, I still have my FMA test that constitutes 20% of my grade that's on Monday and i'm exhausted already but i've to hang on.

Can't wait till next thursday ends so that I can finally get some rest and then i'll be left with SIP and MICE presentation. And then... Exams.

God please sustain me with strength (both mentally and physically) and let me have a speedy recovery and finish this race well!

2016

Featuring my mandatory annual New Year fireworks! :-)

Happy New Year! I'm 10 days late, aren't I? Yeap, i've been piled with project work even though it's e-learning week but I had to return to school from Monday to Thursday just to get things done. This holiday isn't even enjoyable, it's exhausting. School has been draining and the thing is it's about to start again. I don't like whining and complaining about things, but i'll just stop here. On a brighter note, (a really bright one), I'LL BE FINALLY GOING OVERSEAS DURING MY NEXT SEM BREAK! Am genuinely super excited and very happy because I haven't travelled in such a long time (excluding school trips

I believe that 2016 will be a year of new beginnings for me. I think it's time for me to recommit myself to God, even despite certain restrictions. And I know that when we are faithful to Him, and we are earnest in seeking God, He will bless us with joy, peace, and even grant you desires of your heart. 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Praying that there will be great things in store for me this year. Trusting in You Lord x

My baking sucks

I'm starting to think that my baking sucks. I mean i've tried out some recipes and they tasted pretty good, like the chocolate chip cookies and apple crumble. But honestly, other than those two, the things that i've baked on my own really didn't turn out all that great. I like baking, it's kind of a passion/hobby of mine, but something always goes wrong.

So tonight I decided to bake brownies for my friends for Christmas. I literally went out just to buy baking powder because I mistakenly thought that I had baking powder at home when it was actually baking soda. They are two different things so I was like "nah, i'm not gonna screw up the recipe this time round". See my dedication here?

Anyway I think I overestimated myself and made 2 portions, because like I mentioned earlier I was planning to give them to my friends around 5-7 of them. But the end product turned out too crumbly and dry, and it wasn't sweet enough. This is probably because I didn't follow the recipe accordingly. I used a much lesser amount of chocolate, and the chocolate was unsweetened when the recipe's one was semi-sweetened. My mum said it's okay so I thought it would turn out fine. I added >50g of sugar to compensate for the chocolate, but it didn't help much. Sigh, then my mum kept reassuring me by saying, "it's not that bad, it's nice. I'll eat it for breakfast tomorrow." The more she said it, the more I thought she was trying to make me feel better. I mean my brownies weren't that much of a failure, it's just a moderate pass, but much improvement could be made.

Let me share with you my other baking failures haha. So one time I saw Byron's instructional video of the cookie cup and it looked super cute and appealing so I decided to be ambitious and tried his recipe out. Turns out somehow, I couldn't even get the cookies out of the cup. It failed so miserably and I left the two cups in the fridge because I didn't know what to do with it. Next day, my dad threw them away without even asking. He threw the cups away! Thank God they were free cups.

Another time, (which was quite recent, it was during my previous holidays), I wanted to bake these mother-in-law tongues which I found from my dad's recipe book. It's a cookie shaped like a pringle. And I thought, hey if this turns out successful I can post it on instagram. Turned out to be a total disaster. It tasted like cake instead and I'm not even joking. The batter was stuck to my parchment paper and I couldn't get it out! Unfortunately I wasted my parents' money on the ingredients and my time put into baking and washing up. The recipe was way too vague and adding my limited baking skills and knowledge = *_*

The more I write this post, the more depressed I get. But yes, I read that baking is like a science or an art, and it's kind of like trial and error. My dad says sometimes you can't get it right on the first try. I'm not gonna give up on baking I can assure you! I'll fill this blog of hopefully successful bakes! x

Holidays make me happy

Holidays equals to doing things that you like, things that make you happy. As for me, it equates to baking, binge watching Korean dramas (that is if I discover interesting ones), reading books, visiting cafes, exploring new places in Singapore and i'm definitely planning to visit the National Gallery which looks absolutely beautiful. I love any building that resembles those European architecture that looks ancient yet visually appealing. I think my (future) camera would be in love!!! Currently saving up for the Canon 100D but my progress is kinda going nowhere at the moment, clearly can't wait to use it when I travel overseas next year!

Today, I went to Awfully Chocolate with Chao Lei this afternoon to satisfy my iced mocha craving, which I tried the previous time I went with Wei Ling and it tasted heavenly, even better than Starbucks/any other mocha i've drunk before! Not lying, I promise. We started on our SIP reflection journals and we kept getting distracted and chatted non-stop. So much for getting things done but like they say, the first step to overcome procrastination is to start easy (or just start somewhere). #sourceunknown #probablyfromme

Spent the evening with Wei Ling, Si Rui, Lin Ying and Vivien at Jcube and had my sesame udon noodles at Itacho Sushi which wasn't even filling. Need to stop spending on food, someone remind me please. It wasn't really a bible study session, more of a shopping session for Wei Ling haha!

Still can't believe that 2015 is ending so soon. Reminds me of the faith goals and regular new year goals i've set to achieve for the year but some failed miserably... I'm also planning to restart on my #100daysofproductivity challenge, which originated from Tumblr. The general idea is to make sure that everyday you do something — anything productive. It embraces the concept that by chipping away at least a little bit of that big pile of work we all have everyday, we can make huge changes for the future. 

Felt motivated and inspired after scrolling past some posts of it and thus, i've created a blog specially meant for that. (Link here) Hopefully, the challenge is a way to develop my self-discipline to literally do anything like go for a jog, cook something healthy, read newspapers, bring my dog out, make some study notes, do household chores, study a chapter or two for my exams, instead of stagnating at home watching Youtube videos incessantly. I believe that it's a choice (or even a struggle) everyday to choose between being productive or wasting the day off. And this challenge will get me started and avoid procrastination. 

I'll update you on the progress! xxx

Fulfilling week

Holidays are coming to an end unfortunately, but i'm trying my best to be optimistic. This week has been pretty fulfilling!

Went to Fairprice Xtra with my mum and dad on Monday. Grocery shopping with my parents makes me feel happy. You can just grab your favourite snacks off the shelves and they will most likely pay for it. Haha i'm just kidding but it's the company that makes the whole trip worthwhile! I wanted to bake almond cookies called "mother-in-law tongues" found in my dad's recipe book (what a cute and quirky name) but being an amateur, the whole thing was disastrous. Threw away almost everything which made my heart break a bit because we specially went to Cold Storage to get some extra ingredients. This totally reminds me of my failed cookie cups. However the recipe was pretty vague haha and I kinda added the baking powder at the last minute. #tryingtovalidatemyfailure

Half of Tuesday was spent with Doris in school. Had mcdonalds and did some catching up! Apparently FC4 Koufu relocated to the new building. So not ready for school to start. #helpme

Wednesday was spent baking again! Baked chocolate chip cookies and the recipe was straightforward and simple and I used it before. Was my 2nd attempt baking alone and I had music playing. Was so fun baking alone! It's really comforting and relaxing. Gonna do this again sometime when i'm free. I get happy really easily, but it's the same as the opposite. Took me about 3 hours in total then I headed to the gym to accompany my sis! Was surprisingly crowded and I don't know why but I felt pretty intimated by the guys in the gym.

Today my parents and I brought Boy to Pet Lovers for his much-needed grooming session! The weather was unbearable and the pavement was too hot for his paws so we took turns to carry him home. Carrying him can really gain you muscles because he's a whopping 10kg heavy! Plus my body was already aching from gym yesterday. #imsuchagooddogowner

Had brunch at East Manhattan which was located nearby! Was pretty pricey. Food was average. But ambience was pretty cozy!

Really appreciate spending quality time with them, they make me happy. I usually don't plan anything with my friends on Mondays and Thursdays unless it's school related because it's the only time they are available and free from work! 

See you guys in a bit! x

Had a picnic at night at Vivo rooftop with some of the cell girls: Si Rui, Eunice, Vivien, Lin Ying and Wei Ling. Haven't been attending cell as of late so I was kinda clueless as to what was going on with the cell etc. Anyway I managed to make cocktail sausages and bacon skewers! Kinda time consuming but I somehow like making food. It makes me happy. (If it tastes nice haha) but somehow I feel like no matter how bad the food that I cook tastes, I don't mind finishing it all up. We updated each other on our recent happenings and talked about the cell group. 

Also, happy (belated) 18th birthday to my bff Si Rui!!!! Thank God for you! So glad that I'm comfortable to share almost anything that's troubling/upsetting me and also share my happy moments with you. We're in this together, don't forget that! 

It's so funny how she wanted to get the latest White magazine in Kinokuniya and obviously I couldn't buy it in front of her for her birthday present so I had to go another day just to get it. And I was finding excuses so that she wouldn't buy it before I do. I said things like "hey it's expensive, it's not worth your money. Don't buy it!" My dissuasion worked! #amiagoodfriendorwhat #noireallyam

Also helped my sis out with her flea market preparation last weekend. Gosh I don't know how she managed to buy so many clothes, so much so that we had to stuff it into 2 huge luggages and 2 bags and lugged it into a cab and then to Lucky Plaza. The customers were 95% maids and the whole place was like a pasar malam and everything sold was super cheap like $1/$2/$4. But some of them could still bargain and ask for discounts when the prices were already ridiculously cheap. 

Another update to share with you is that I was recently watching a Korean drama called "Birth of a Beauty" for the past week and my mum joined in and watched like around 5/more episodes with me. Note that she chose to watch it, I didn't make her do it. Haha I find it really cute though. Didn't expect her to be interested in these kind of shows. I can imagine her in a couple of years after retirement on a Korean drama marathon, bringing Boy for frequent walks, hanging out with Huan Yiyi, and accompanying my dad with his trusty old camera to take pictures. 

Tomorrow I'll be going to Woodlands to visit King Kong (not the 25 ft tall gorilla you see in the theaters aha, but Chao Lei's poodle) with Doris, Wei Yun and Tricia! Hope that it will be a fulfilling day. Gotta make the most out of my remaining holidays. 

To those people who make plans and then cancel on you at the last minute

You're really inconsiderate.

Knowing that we have already agreed to fork out time and that time is reserved to let's say have a meal together, and that prohibits me from making other plans. Do you not realise that i've worked my schedule around meeting up with you? And perhaps on the day before our supposed meet-up, you decide to flake out just because you want to sleep in/watch your favourite TV series/you don't feel like you're up to it/whatever excuses you come up with.

 

Do you think it's really fair? 

Of course I wouldn't mind if you've a reasonable excuse like something urgent you've to attend to e.g.  visiting a family member at the hospital. But other than that, you're just being really selfish when the other party has already invested time to making these plans which they look forward to, just to have you bail out on them with a crappy excuse. 

The most you can do is give an early notice that you won't be able to make it and postpone the plans. Ensure you have plenty of rest the day before and please just honour people's invitations. 

Appearance

Have you ever looked into the mirror and you do not like what you see?

I do. I do all the time. 

Considering what the media portrays how unrealistic girls should look like to be deemed attractive — a thigh gap, a concave stomach, toned arms, v-cut abs and a narrow hip, and all? These "ideal" beauty standards have been subconciously ingrained in us ever since we were little kids playing with Barbie dolls and watching Disney movies and also through advertisements, magazines and fashion shows. 

To prove my point, do you ever realise how Disney princesses have huge eyes, similar neck and waist widths, extremely long necks, and unimaginably tiny wrists? Unless you're genetically blessed, achieving such beauty standards are actually quite impossible. They give children a false impression that you are only beautiful if you look a certain way. I do love Disney, but this is something that needs to be improved on or there will be repercussions.

You can read more on this link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/disney-princess-real-waistline_n_6076634.html

Photoshop, digital alteration, and image manipulation also contribute largely to the flawless figures you see in music videos and magazine covers. They are drastically altered to sell fantasy, to feed their consumers with their definition of how a "perfect" woman looks like. I don't mean that photoshop shouldn't be used, obviously touching up and removing a blemish like maybe a pimple or an acne is fine, but unrealistic editing is not okay. Impressionable children and adolescents at such a young age are often still figuring out who they are, and they are easily swayed by things like the media. They can end up loathing their appearances and even develop self-esteem issues and eating disorders etc if these problems aren't dealt with properly. 

Victoria Secret also launched an advertising campaign recently, using a very controversial slogan as you can see from below.

After a petition on change.org which garnered more than 27,000 signatures, VS changed their slogan to this: 

When in fact, I wish advertisements could include more diversity and look like this:

Even mannequins are shockingly thin.

Like what even?

I have struggled with this issue for so long, of not accepting my appearance and loving myself for how I look. It's really difficult given the expectations that society upholds and perpetuates.  I still get self-conscious, I do compare myself with others and wish I could look more like them. But i'm still in the process of embracing my flaws and imperfections, and loving my own appearance because no one is perfect. God made you to be how you look like right now. You are beautiful in His eyes and nothing will ever change that. Be yourself. 

Love this Roald Dahl quote so much!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:13-14