2018 and still lost

It's 2018. Whut? I have been on the longest hiatus ever, yep I basically disappeared here. To give a quick update, i'm in uni now! RMIT (SIM), studying Business Management with HR as my minor. To be honest, I don't really know if this is the right course for me. I mean I think it suits me better than tourism because i'm rather introverted and I don't take the initiative to talk to people first unless i'm in a situation where it's necessary. Hence, the change of my major.

Last year I was really struggling after poly. I was lost. I didn't know what I should do. I was that desperate that I went to seek help from SP's career guidance counsellor. I was interested in taking a social science major - namely Sociology or Psychology because I wanted to do counselling in a primary school. I talked to Jessene's friend, Luke, who is a counsellor dealing with troubled youths. He shared with me insights about his job, the pros and cons of it. He told me that introverts/people who aren't really outspoken are actually good doing that job because they are good listeners! You would want someone who can create a safe space for you to be comfortable enough to speak about your troubles instead of someone who keeps talking when you're going for a counselling session right? So I was assured that counselling was suitable for my personality. But other than that, he told me that the downside of the job is the emotional toll because children could be going through some very serious stuff like rape and abuse. And my parents were super adamant about not allowing me to pursue psychology/sociology/counselling because they "know" me and they think that i'm overly emotional, I wouldn't know how to detach my feelings from work, and basically, I wouldn't be able to cope with this aspect of the job. My mum even said that she wouldn't even pay for my course fees if I chose a social science degree, which was not what she promised because she said she would pay half of it and obviously these tens of thousands of dollars is a huge sum of money because I'd take so long to repay them. Looking back, I think I was pressurised partly by the financial aspect. As a 20 year old teenager, the thought of having a 30-40+k debt that I had to pay myself terrified me. I felt like I was alone and just thrown into the ocean without a life vest... I was left to figure it out on my own because I felt like this door was swung shut... I was also really upset that this had caused a rift between my mum and I. We had like 1-2 days of silent treatment and a dramatic episode of me crying and wanting to go home outside Burger King because my mum said something insensitive. I think I felt really constrained too? I felt like I needed to get a degree there and then period. I was desperate to start university ASAP because I didn't want to waste any time. I didn't think that I could take up internships and perhaps discover my interest along the way.

In fact when I got into university 6 months back, I felt more at peace than now. I thought that yes, obedience to parents reaps spiritual blessings and rewards. But the more I think about it, is Management or HR where I really want to go? If I had given myself more time, would I have persevered and fought for what I really have wanted? Why did I put so much pressure on myself for wanting to get a degree? If I hadn't asked Luke about the pros and cons of the job, he would have never told me about the emotional toll aspect of counselling and my mum would have allowed me to go for it.

Am I back to square one again Lord? Why? Why why why? Why can't I be someone who knows clearly what I want to do..... I know I have one life and I don't want to waste it doing something i'm lukewarm about. I want to do something that I genuinely enjoy and am passionate about but still be realistic enough for me to get a stable pay cheque out of it. Why is life so difficult.

This would be the perfect time for you to tell me to read Jeremiah 29:11 but how would you know if this is part of God's plans? How would you know if you're so unsure, so uncertain yourself if this is indeed God's calling for you?

Crossroad 2.0

It seems like it was just months ago that I made a blog post about being at a crossroad but that was already 3 years back. Looking back, it seemed like I came to a conclusion that I made the wrong decision choosing this course because I wasn't sure of what to pick as no course really piqued an interest in me. And the overseas internship in Finland and Orlando Disneyland made me think that it was a fun course but nope, children you shouldn't be bought into that. In the end, none of those overseas internship even happened because of some VISA restrictions. Don't spontaneously make a decision because something looks fun/exciting. Think long-term!!!

If I knew it would lead to picking a university course that requires me to invest 20-30+K (or even more) and a huge factor that would shape what my future career would be like, maybe I should have gone to JC where I would have studied history or literature because those were the subjects that I truly enjoyed studying and learning in secondary school. They weren't a bore like science (oops). But at that point of time, JC was daunting to me. I was afraid of failing and retaining if I didn't do well because i've heard of it being really stressful. And what if I didn't get good enough grades to land me into university? An A levels cert isn't as worth as a diploma.

These were the thoughts that surfaced my mind. It was a tough time. And right now, I am going through the same thing again. Just that it's worse. It's worse because I didn't do well in poly, so I might not be able to get into a university which means i'll have to get a full-time job for maybe a year and try applying part-time at SIM the next year.

I don't know why i'm sharing so much online but I feel like I needed to let it out somewhere and it's a monumental moment that i've to remember regardless of what happens next.

Lord, please help me through this crucial period. I know You have the best plans for me but I feel so discouraged and stressed, I don't know if the courses i'm picking are right. Help me to trust in You and give thanks no matter what the future holds. Please help me get into a university and may my application be successful. Amen.

xx,

Sheryl

Internship

Poly education has unofficially ended 3 months ago, currently occupied with my internship at Ritz Carlton at In Room Dining department - more so of Amenity! This job really forces me to interact with the guests even if it's just following the necessary 3 steps of service but it comes more naturally now that I'm used to doing it!

Perks of this job
1. You get to meet some friendly colleagues or people from other departments from a diverse range of nationalities, namely Korea, China, Hong Kong, France and Malaysia etc.

2. You occasionally also get some tips! So there was once where I literally came to the room just to remove a trolley and the used plates and cutlery for an Indian guest (and his friends). And he gave me a whopping SGD$50!! - which I didn't think I deserved because what I did was incredibly simple and easy, anyone could have done it. Guess what was my response? I smiled sheepishly and told him "um, thank you but that's a bit too much". I think my brain was too shocked to process what just happened so I came up with such a dumb reply. He then told me to keep it so yeap, I obliged.

If you never knew, Singapore doesn't have a tipping culture unlike the West. It's uncommon but of course it still happens so I was surprised by his act of kindness. Thanks to him, I saved 50 bucks off my next court shoes purchase for work because my previous pair of shoes wasn't appropriate.

3. You get free meals hence you can save up! Though the food provided in the staff canteen isn't particularly great but it's good enough!

Cons of this job - obviously I can't openly discuss this because I can get in trouble but something that we all can agree on would be the work timing. There are 3 shifts because room service operates 24/7. Both morning and afternoon shifts last for 9.5 hours and graveyard is just 9 hours as there isn't any break in between.
Morning shift: 7AM - 4:30PM
Afternoon shift: 2:30PM - 12AM
Graveyard shift: 11PM - 8AM

I had a bit of a difficulty adjusting to the irregular shift timings esp for the graveyard shift. I felt like a bear hibernating when everyone else was awake haha. But my irregular work schedule can also be a benefit too! Going out on a weekday afternoon = emptier shopping malls and lesser crowds but it can also be more difficult to arrange for a meet up with my friends.

I'm speaking as though my internship has ended haha but it has been a good learning opportunity, giving me a taste of what the working world and hotel industry are like. Anyway, i'm left with 3.5 more months, hopefully i'll make the best out of it! :-)

Spiritual dryness

Hi. To anyone reading this, have you ever experienced what it's like to be "spiritually dry"? Feeling very distant from God, losing the motivation to pray, to give thanks, to do daily devotion, to just maintain a relationship with Him? Because that's what i've been feeling for the past year and this seems like it's such a long time.

So what happened was that my mum stopped allowing me to go to church for both service and cell group during school periods. But during the holidays, when i'm allowed to go, I no longer feel motivated or yearn to attend service when it's the basic thing any Christian would do. I feel detached from the cell group because I haven't seen them for such a long time, sometimes even distant from God. And it scares me - how easy it is to come to this stage. It's like a ripple effect, first it just started from something like a parental objection and it turns to this.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of exhausted... I feel like I want to turn this situation around but nothing is happening.

3AM thoughts

3:12AM

Here's a gif of me eating chocolate cake, supposedly my sister's reeeeeaaaaally belated birthday cake since she subtly hinted that she hasn't received any cake this year so being the nice and thoughtful sister, I got this coco exotic from Four Leaves. Tastes really good! Also got her a NDS game MarioKart for her gift. 

When you're awake at an unearthly hour, you find that there's so many things that you can do like you've limitless time in your hands. But when you wake up the next morning, you'll probably regret not sleeping earlier. Probably even get breakouts or be late for school/work. But you know what, it's fine because it's the holidays! What's a sem break tbh when all you do is go back to school for projects. 5 projects. 

I don't know why but I feel all sentimental during nights like this and my mind gets filled with a million thoughts. It's a pretty nice feeling i've to admit. Being alone, staying up, jamming to Coldplay, and basically thinking about everything the world has to offer. Maybe it's my way of escaping. Escaping reality? 

Editing my Japan video now, and I really miss Japan. I miss going overseas, anywhere that's not Singapore. You could call me a turncoat, or some ungrateful brat haha but I really am not. I probably just like other countries' cultures and landscapes more. Is that wrong? God, if you're listening, please give me an opportunity to study overseas or even work or stay overseas for a good amount of time. :-) i'd be so happy. Learning other people's cultures, exploring foreign places, getting lost (ok maybe that's not so attractive), taking loads of pictures and videos, making new friends and falling in love with the city... Sorry for the incoherent thoughts but that's what i've been feeling and a dream of mine ever since I was pretty young.

Will be uploading my Japan photos hopefully soon!!! Promise to get them done by this holiday. Till then! :-)

End of Year 2

Year 2 has officially ended. If you asked whether it was challenging? Yeap. Exhausting? Definitely. Different? Very. But thank God for pulling me through this far. Sem 2 was honestly the most stressful and challenging sem with tons of projects where we had to always pull up all-nighters just to get work done. It also concludes the end of my study dates with Chao Lei at Pies and Coffee - the cafe which we visited at least once a week to do assignments and mug for our exams. Haha didn't really end it on a good note unfortunately because one service staff working there totally judged us when we ordered iced lemon tea and mouthed something to her co-worker. True that we hogged up the seats but the cafe usually has many other seats available so we weren't really posing a problem/affecting the other customers. But thank you P&C for being my study spot for the past semester!

Today I went to Atlas Coffeehouse and splurged my money on the cafe food! Plus i'll still be going to another cafe on Friday with my project group and Whisk and Paddle with Si Rui next Saturday! #gettingbrokeoverfood Their service was great! I like the decoration too, it has this open window concept = good lighting, perfect for taking photos. Brought my Canon DSLR in an attempt of taking more pictures since it's newly bought and I still don't really know how to use the functions properly.

We ordered iced mocha, iced latte, creamy mushroom on sourdough with scrambled eggs, bacon, baked beans and sausages and lastly, shoestring truffle fries! The place was a little squeezy though and it was pretty noisy but I enjoyed myself! 

Will be going to my grandma's 85th birthday celebration on Saturday, will update again! x

Lord, please help me through this.